Stages of Dread
by mistress amethyst une
Summary: A detailed report by Heero Yuy on his client, Relena Darlian. Contained in this document are details pertaining to her behavior when met with an unpleasant task while experiencing monthly feminine discomfort. Read at your own discretion. One-shot.


** Disclaimer:** GW = not mine.

**Author's Note: **The sixth July prompt is "Oh THERE'S a big surprise! I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die from that surprise!" from Aladdin. I just love the intensity of Gilbert Gottfried's sarcasm when he delivered that line as Iago. Always had a soft spot for that bird. :p Mildly inspired by the How I Met Your Mother episode "The Platinum Rule." Btw, the whole handwritten thing? Real life experience. My Philosophy professor expects a handwritten hard copy of my twenty page typed paper. It isn't double spaced...

**Stages of Dread  
by mistress amethyst une**

Heero sat at his computer, typing out his findings on the latest phenomena pertaining to his client. Records always served one well in the future. This week, he was typing out a report concerning a chain of events he called "The Five Stages of Dread." These events were usually triggered by Relena's monthly feminine discomfort coinciding with an unpleasant task. He had successfully survived today, and eagerly began his documentation for future reference.

* * *

**Stage I: Disbelief**

This stage is characterized by the client's often justified but futile complaints over an unpleasant task she deems unnecessary. Her monthly feminine discomfort only serves to add to her displeasure. It is advised that you serve her a caffeinated beverage to keep her alert for the difficulties ahead. Fortify the beverage with experimental but highly-effective pain reducers from the Preventer laboratories to dispel her feminine discomfort.

* * *

_Heero set a mug of hot coffee on her desk, noting how her annoyance seemed to grow with every page she read._

_"They can't possibly expect me to do this," she groaned, looking over the instructions for her latest report. "A handwritten copy? We're in the After Colony age, and they expect a handwritten copy! Those wrinkly old bas-"_

_

* * *

_

**Stage II: Refusal**

This stage is characterized by loud vocalizations of discontent from the client. If she has yet to consume her fortified caffeinated beverage, it is advisable to prepare a fresh serving for the purpose of increasing the likelihood of injestion. Intervene should she perform any tasks you would consider a danger to her or her carreer. Your safety is of minimal concern.

* * *

_"I'm not doing it! I'm not. This is insanity. There's just no way."_

_He managed to grab the files from her just as she was about to run them through the shredder._

_"What do you think you're doing, Yuy?"_

_She only called him __Yuy__ when she was intensely pissed off._

_"You'll thank me later."_

_"Thank you? Thank you for what? For keeping me from taking a stand against this tyranny? This insanity? Oh, thank you so very much for not letting me stand up for myself!"_

_"I'll go get you some fresh coffee," he said, taking the untouched mug off her desk._

_

* * *

_

**Stage III: Surrender**

In order to reach this stage, her consumption of the fortified caffeinated beverage is a necessity. This is the calm before the storm. At this stage, she will be agreeable and productive. Do not grow complacent. Also, take note of the effects the drugs have on her. Your report for Preventer's laboratories is your method of payment.

* * *

_"Honestly, I have no idea what came over me," she chortled, scribbling away at her report. "Handwritten copies are a newly reinstated tradition, and a noble one at that. It builds work ethic! Thank you, Heero. Without you, I would have shredded these. What would I do then? It took me a while but I get it now. I'm going to finish this."_

_"Subject is content and appears to be in a state comparable to mild euphoria," he thought, making mental notes for his lab report. "Productivity has increased at an astounding rate."_

_

* * *

_

**Stage IV: Relapse **

At this stage, the effects of the drugs will begin to wane as the chemicals leave her system via perspiration and urination. Prolong the effect by keeping the work environment cool. Should she leave to urinate, prepare for mood swings upon her return. Do not give her a second dose of the fortified caffeinated beverage.

* * *

_She returned from the bathroom and crumpled up the sheet on her desk the moment she laid eyes on it. _

_"I can't believe I'm doing this," she growled, taking a fresh sheet of paper from the half-spent ream on her desk as she sat down. "Giving in to the demands of these idiots. Oh, they've won this one. The only reason I'm going to finish this is because I'm halfway through. Next time, I'm going to give them hell."_

_She shivered in her seat, only then noticing the low temperature. _

_"And why is it so damned cold? I'm freezing in here!"_

_"The drugs also numb her from extremes in temperature," he mentally added to his notes._

_"Should I get you another cup of coffee? Warm you up?"_

_"Yes, that would be nice. Adjust the thermostat on your way out. I need a little jolt right about now. Same blend as earlier, please? I don't know how you make coffee, Heero, but it's amazing."_

_"Acknowledged," he said, raising the temperature by a few degrees before going to fetch her some fresh coffee._

_Upon his return, he set the beverage on her desk and watched as she drank with an eerie eagerness. Fifteen minutes later, she was overcome with a fit of giggles._

_"I never noticed how funny the letter 's' was before," she guffawed. "It's just a squiggle! A squiggle! How can a squiggle be a letter?"_

_"Are you all right?" he asked, concerned that she was reacting adversely to an overdose._

_"Never better," she laughed, getting on her chair and using it to stand on her desk. She then hopped off and closed the distance between her and Heero. Her hand quickly found his crotch._

_"I love squiggles," she smiled dully, her hand grabbing at a more than willing part of his anatomy. "Can I play with yours?"_

_

* * *

_

**Additional Note for Emphasis: DO NOT GIVE HER A SECOND DOSE OF THE FORTIFIED CAFFEINATED BEVERAGE.**

Cold showers are an unpleasant remedy for this particular work hazard.

* * *

**Stage V: Accomplishment**

The final stage brings all of one's efforts to fruition. At this stage, the client will have completed the dreaded task with little to no damage to herself or the agent in charge. Let her enjoy her success. It is vital that she remain oblivious to your role in overcoming her difficulty so that she can truly enjoy her sense of accomplishment.

* * *

_"I'm sorry, Heero," she sighed. "I really have no idea what's come over me today. It's that time of the month and everything's just so stressful. One minute I'm angry, and the next I'm horny, then I just don't know... I thought working from home would help but this office isn't any less stressful than the one at the ESUN."_

_"At least, you can speak freely here."_

_If she had dry humped him in her ESUN office, there would have been hell to pay. Thankfully, he'd had the sense to leave the room for a quick cold shower before things got out of hand. Sex on the job was prohibited no matter where the office was. They couldn't afford distraction. He heaved an inward sigh when he returned and saw her at her desk, scribbling at a hundred miles per hour as her face burned a bright red. He hoped she wouldn't notice his wet hair._

_"I suppose," she sighed. "At least, I'm done. I can't believe I actually finished it. A thirty page handwritten report... I think I'm going to develop carpal tunnel. I don't want to see another pen for the rest of this week."_

_She stared at her empty hand, her fingers stiffly stuck in a pen-holding position._

_"Please don't cry," his thoughts pleaded with her._

_A tear ran down her cheek. "I just can't believe it's finally over."_

_He moved closer to her, kissing the tear away. "Shh... Everything's going to be okay. Why don't I prepare you a hot bath? Loosen up those fingers."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes. You need some time to yourself, away from all of this..."_

_She smiled, her tears dissipating. "Thank you, Heero. I really don't say that enough."_

_"What are you thanking me for? It's all part of the job."_

_"You've been babysitting me all day. Getting me coffee, watching to be sure I got the job done, dealing with my craziness... This isn't part of your job description as a Preventer."_

_"But it is part of my job description as your boyfriend," he told her as he kissed her forehead. "Did I do a good job, ma'am?"_

_"The best."_

_

* * *

_

**Evaluation**

The client deems the agent as more than satisfactory in all his duties.

* * *

Sixth July prompt done. I always wanted to do a fic in formal report style. It seemed like a Heero thing to do. ;)


End file.
